I didn’t realize she was gone…

People noticed I wasn’t my same happy go lucky self.   I was feeling listless, apathetic, and drained of energy.  It just wasn’t me.  I was at a loss for what was happening, and called a friend who is skilled in helping access the hidden.  She is a shaman, like myself.  She would be able to guide me see something that I knew was just out of view.  But what was it?  

She took me into a dreamscape and immediately I saw her.  That young first grader so excited to start school.  Her hair gathered up on the side with a lovely orange piece of yarn in a bow. Her plaid dress with white shirt.  All her school supplies neatly packed and ready for the first day.  She loved learning and was excited for school.

Then it happened.  The teacher saw her color crayons.  A lovely box of 64 luscious colors with the little crayon sharpener on the box.  The teacher told her she couldn’t have it, and had to bring it home.  She needed to have the crayons of 8 big crayons like everyone else.   She was crushed.  To most people, they wouldn’t understand.

And at that moment, it began to happen.  Little by little my younger child began to experience soul loss.  Not the big tragic moments of pain and challenge that some have experienced.  But the slow and small ones of not being able to express herself in the colors she chose, the way she wanted to express.  She needed to be like everyone else.  And gradually she did that.

But that little girl would not rest.  She vowed at that moment to let people know what happened.  She waited until the right moment when someone would see her pain, and let her have those crayons she so desired.  Little did she know it would be herself 45 years later.

As I sit remembering that moment I realize my latest obsession over these months to have as many colored markers as possible.  I didn’t know what it was about.  Why couldn’t I just be content with a few I wondered.

Now I know.  My little girl with her excitement and ideas wanted to come back.  She no longer wanted to be told to be like everyone else.  She wanted to use her 64 colors in that lovely box with the sharpener in front.

When we came face to face in that lovely journey, tears streamed down our faces.  I welcomed her with open arms and we have been together ever since.  She wants to play, have fun, make crafts, play make believe.  I find that I’m making pom pom animals and many more fun things that children do.

Little by little, I feel more vitality and energy returning as I honor that little girl.  Life is full of amazing mysteries.

The next time you feel an urge to paint, color, skip or make mud pies, ask yourself this question.  Is my little child self wanting to be seen?  You will be amazed at what you find.