Sometimes you need to be lost to find your way. I have heard that phrase so many times, and didn’t realize what it really meant until I was on the other side. You see, I didn’t realize what was lost. Only later would I realize that little pieces of my soul had left little by little. Let me explain.
My business was slowly killing me and sucking away at my soul, and I knew it.
It’s January 10th on a cold morning in Minnesota and I have been up since dawn. The minutes creep slowly as I wait for the call with my business coach. I had taken two months off to lower my blood pressure which had skyrocketed 20 points out of the blue.
The grandfather clock chimes 10 o’clock. Mechanically I pick up the phone and dial. “Hello, happy new year. How have you been?” says Mary. As we make small talk, I feel an intense resistance building up in my chest. Breathing is more difficult, my mind starts to jump around. “Get it together, Monica”, I say to myself. “You have paid thousands upon thousands of dollars for this coaching. Don’t mess it up.” My chest and heart hurt with a dull ache. I’m sad, lost, and afraid to admit it.
Mary is bubbly, warm, and excited to see where I’m going with my business after my time away. “I know you mentioned doing spiritual retreats. Are you still going to be doing those? What do you want to do?”
“I don’t know. I feel like a part of me is dying and I don’t see anything.”
“Come on”, she says, “there has to be something there. Close your eyes, connect and tell me what you see.”
In the past, this always worked, and got me excited with new ideas and projects that seemed to pop up out of nowhere. Not this time.
I close my eyes. “It’s pitch black.” I say.
“See what is past the blackness.”
I close my eyes again, and envision a map. It’s huge with lines all over, and a slight film over it so I can’t see what it says. In the middle is a giant heart, like those found on Valentine’s cards.
She’s excited now. “What’s on the map?”
“I can’t see it. It’s just a heart on top.”, I say.
“Pull up the corner and take a peek at a piece of it.”
“It won’t move. All I see is the heart.”
I’m secretly relieved. I know something is really off in my life and business.
My mind continues to mess with me bringing up stories of the money I will be losing by taking more time off. I feel irresponsible, flaky, inadequate, and completely lost.
She asks me to meditate more with the image and see what I discover before our next call together.
But there wouldn’t be a next call. It was over. I needed to leave that world of business coaching and building empires, let go of the money, and trust my heart. Within two months, I had completely left, and started a new journey.
I thought the map would show up soon after to tell me the new things I would do with my life and business. I love plans, guides, check boxes, and maps. I wanted to have that guidance. I wanted a roadmap.
It would take 3 years to realize what was on that map. They weren’t action items to take. They were pieces of me that had gone missing and I would need to recover them one by one.
To be continued….
